True Happiness

It was the greatest look ever. She never had to think it over. It was pure and true. It was a look of happiness. I had never seen such a pure look before and it was all for me. I knew then that I would never have to worry about being good enough . I was good enough. Whatever struggles or problems I had or would have, I would never have to face them alone. Every important moment I would have someone to share it with. I had the love of my life and I would do whatever it takes to make it work and create a life with her. Being good enough meant growing up and being a man. Something I no idea about and little did I know that "whatever" was a hell of a lot....

My Grand Engagement Idea Goes Kapoot!

I felt like a genius! I knew how I was going to propose. Stacey and I had seen The Notebook and she mentioned how romantic it was when Ryan Gosling asks Rachel McAdams out on the ferris wheel by risking life and limb just to hear a simple "yes". Okay.... I know what your thinking tubby is going to hang off of a ferris wheel until she says "yes". Nope. Actually that isn't a bad idea, just at that particular time and weight I would have broke the damn ferris wheel. It would have gone from The Notebook to Final Destination in the span of thirty seconds. I went online and found a fair that was about 50 miles away and had this massive ferris wheel. I figured I would slip the operator twenty bucks to hold it at the top so we could see over the city and I would propose. April 21st, 2005 was the date I had set . Then April 1, 2005 almost exactly one year to the day since moving to Ohio I took Stacey to a buffet. (I had a free coupon, I watched what I ate, not that it was good, anyway) I cracked a joke about about leaving her that night to hang out with a bunch of guys at a strip club (it was April Fool's Day) she said, "well at least you didn't ask me to marry you. I would never have believed you". The seed was planted I would do it at 12:01am April 2. Goodbye, ferris wheel. Hello, new life. 12:01 came around and I looked at Stacey, then I told her how much I loved her and how I wanted to spend my life with her. Then I asked her to marry me. I will never forget the look on her face....

Are All Men Idiots or Just Me?

Okay - the alpha male in me decided that Stacey needed a house. She never actually said she needed a house. She never actually said she needed anything. How smart am I? Will you marry me? I know I'm broke but at least I have a house I can't afford. Yes, it happened that fast. I bought a house. Sure, I had no experience with the real world and had made about only thirteen thousand dollars the year before but hey, I could get a mortgage loan for a hundred and thirty thousand dollars. I'm sure with these statistics Stacey would have no other option but to marry a stud like me. The whole deal was shady and I was a moron. One of my bosses at the health club, Brad, said he was selling his house. I said in between sets of chest presses, "I'll buy it". Within a month, his wife Lisa and his mortgage guy had set up everything and I had a house. Being twenty one and naive as I was, they told me that everything was in tip top shape and I did not need an inspection. As I write this, I really feel like the biggest idiot in the history of idiots. This was only the beginning of the problems that would ensue, that everyone else but me could see. At least I had Stacey....

Do I Have Any Idea What I Am Doing?

I was in love. Not comfortable love but "The Notebook" love. Stacey was unbelievable. She had been with me through thick and thin (especially thick), but what did I have to offer her? She had been married, had a kid whom I adored, had traveled around the world, was amazingly smart, and absolutely, undauntingly beautiful. I, on the other hand, had never finished college, was battling a weight problem, could barely take care of myself (essentially, I was broke), and until two months into our relationship I didn't even have a car. I only bought one because she refused to stop driving me home in the middle of the night. Well, I loved her, damnit, and I was pretty sure that she loved me back the same way. I was going to propose to her, so I cashed in all the savings bonds I had had since I was a little kid and bought a ring. Not just any ring either, but the type of ring she had once told me she wished she could have if she ever got married again. Now, I had the ring, when it dawned on me; If I'm going to have a family they need a home to live in. Not a two bedroom apartment with Don Fatz in the other room smoking a fattie. Before I could propose, I had to get a house. What a dilemma this put me in..............

The Previous Six Months

Stacey was a pain in the ass! She was basically my trainer and worked me into the ground. She cared, which was nice. When I was losing the weight I continually fell off the proverbial wagon. We worked with a bunch of guys who, everyday, went out and bought the most unhealthy food imaginable. You know if it is unhealthy it is also delicious! I often gave into the temptation. Then they would party all night. Stacey never gave up. She encouraged me every step of the way. When I exercised she always made sure that I used proper form and kept up at a cardio pace. On top of that, she made me exercise parts of my body that I did not feel needed work. My legs had always been in good shape. Boy, was I wrong! My legs actually shrunk! The funniest thing, in retrospect, was that as big as I was my male ego tried to force feed me a bunch of rubbish. "Your legs are in good shape." Stacey taught me that big legs are big legs and toned legs are not. It is a good feeling when you realize that your legs are not rubbing together nearly as much as they used to. I could not have done it without Stacey. She kept me focused and very happy. (Well, the leg exercises did cause a little crabbiness at times) Everyone should have a trainer. They are the most important part about weight loss. They keep you accountable and motivated. There are days when you want to quit and you might. Then again, you might not. It could just be a bump in the road. For me, whenever there was bump in the road Stacey forced me to move my extremely sore body and get over the bump.

Secret of Dieting

Six months and sixty-five pounds later I was still twenty-five pounds away from my goal of 190lbs and with a month left I certainly felt that I was fighting an uphill battle. Everyday I amped up the cardio exercise (hated it!) and weight training. I was taking supplements. I was doing the whole shebang. All of it, except the most important: dieting. Now, when it comes to dieting I have tried them all. The most obvious, like no -carb Adkin's, is moronic. Carbohydrates are energy. The minute you get off that diet the weight goes back on. It is kind of like "let's lose weight and still die". I heard that the guy who created that diet died of a heart attack from eating poorly, but hey, it sells a lot of books. That's fine, I did the artery clogging Atkin's diet(bacon, bacon, bacon!), then I did the "super healthy" raw diet where I ate only raw fruits and vegetables. I got the best results with that one but I was very unhappy and irritable. In addition, I was not getting the proper nutrients. I looked gaunt and miserable. That month I did not reach my goal. I fell short by twenty pounds. If I lost twenty-five in a month I probably would have run into some health problems, anyway. I have since lost the weight over time, and lost it healthily and easily. I learned a lot that month. I learned that if you set big goals you may not hit them but falling short of a big goal is much better than only achieving a small goal. It took me a long time, but I discovered the secret to losing weight and still being happy. My life after that month was going to change in a truly unforeseen way. But first a note on the previous six months......

Challenges

"I don't have enough time", "I can't find the time", "I am too tired" (another way of saying "I am too lazy"), and my personal favorite, "I'll do it tomorrow". What is wrong with people? We live in a society of fat people who refuse to take care of themselves. I know because I was one of them. We are too busy working! We are too busy letting life pass us by! We are too busy being busy! And, when we are not too busy being busy, we are "resting" from being too busy. I was opening and closing the health club seven days a week. I worked a commission job for 99 hours a week, yet I found a way to get my rotund body up and away from the desk, the phones, and the damn sandwiches that the male trainers shoved in my face to get on the treadmill and lose some weight. Some people will say, 0k, but there are 168 hours in a week. However, after 99 hours at work, and balancing the rest of the time between a new girlfriend, eveyday routines, and sleep........ I really did not have enough time-but guess what? I MADE THE TIME! I chose to eat better, I chose to exercise. If I wanted to watch cable I had to go to a bar or Stacey's house. I was not going to fall back into old routines. I cared about me! I cared about Stacey! Was it easy? NO! Was I perfect at it and lost weight every week? NO! Did I ever indulge in good food and better beer? Hell, Yes! Did I back slide? Yes, often, but at the end of the day I was accomplishing what I had intended. I have always loved the movie Braveheart and the tagline was "Every man dies, but not every man really lives." I was damned if I wasn't going to live a full and happy life. Now, I had to find a way to get out of this club before I went insane. Living life to the fullest is often a struggle just like losing weight, but if you don't persevere what is the point?

My Worth?

It had been a month. I was ten pounds lighter and much happier. The mammoth poster of me actually did not seem that intimidating. I knew that if I stayed focused and in control I could accomplish anything. The boss came in one day and fired everyone.....except me. I was now the "Managing Director" of the health club. It was awesome. All the responsibility, but without any of the extra pay. Fantastic! Not only that, I now had no staff and did not know how to balance the time to hire, train, and still make sales to get paid. At least with Stacey being a trainer I could still see her everyday. He had only fired the sales staff. What did I expect from a guy who one day fired me for answering the phone in the morning, then when sales sagged, rehired me in the evening? Stacey still would not let herself be considered my "girlfriend". I had a feeling that it would not be too long before it happened. Stacey was so easy to be with, but she thought we were just having fun. I was twenty-one and just beginning my life and she had already been living a full one. She had traveled around the world, had had a career she loved, been married for ten years, and had a daughter. I knew I was falling in love with her. I was scared- was this real? Would she love me back? I was twenty-one and she was thirty five. Did I really know what I was doing? What could I possibly offer her?

Grasping Control

Stacey actually thought this was like a one time fool around thing- even though we didn't even sleep together. We promised to stay friends no matter what. Was she insane? I was a 21 year old who was eighty pounds over weight. There was no way in hell that I was happy with my self. Suddenly I had this beautiful, sexy woman in my arms. I was not gonna let her get away that easily. I woke up the next morning and was excited to go to work. I walked in with a new found hop in my step and stared and that ridiculous poster of this person that I was SICK and TIRED of being. Right then and there, I vowed that this control I now felt I would never relinquish. If I did not change my direction, I would DIE a very young death. My fattiness or big bonededness or whatever you want to call it would kill me in one way or another. I was going to lose that weight by January. I had five months and eighty pounds to go. First and foremost, I was going to let Stacey know we had a date that very night!

Moment of Clarity

I took control of my life. Finally, after all the wondering of what the hell I was doing in the middle of Ohio. I really mean the middle! Columbus is smack dab in the middle of the whole damn state! I was going to let Stacey stay on the futon since it was not a good idea to drive (the bar was across the street from my apartment). I would sleep on the floor. My roommate Andrew and I were currently sharing a one bedroom apartment and I was the one who moved in last. Stacey and I were doing a lot of talking when the Guinness knocked me off the futon onto the floor. As I looked up at Stacey laughing uncontrollably, it hit me- I was here for her! In that moment of clarity, I leaned up, took her face between my hands, and gave her a kiss. Not just any kiss. The Kiss! The one the princesses talk about in fairytales. The Earth moved at that moment. I will never forget it as long as I shall live.

The Coolest Chick Alive!

I had a plan and I'd be damned if it wasn't going to work. In retrospect, I ought to preface this plan with the fact that growing up, I was a big fan of Married With Children. However, at some point I must have forgotton that Al Bundy's plans never worked. PROMO NIGHT! I could get Stacey to come with me to help promote the club. At the local dive bar, Spoonz, they were already doing a a promotion with another club.....a strip club. I thought I could invite Stacey to this bar, it would be a good place to sign new members up. Strippers need to stay in shape too! Stacey said she would go since it was a "big promotional" event for our club. Since it was a "big promotional event" for the gym I realized that I needed more people to go. Otherwise it would be Stacey, me, and a whole lot of strippers. Stacey didn't know about the strippers yet. During the next six hours I was able to get only my roommate to come and that was because I promised to buy his drinks. At this point, you could add the title of Giant Idiot to the already growing list of fat, lazy, and immature. Of course, Stacey figured out the plan almost immediately, but she did not leave. I might have picked the coolest chick alive. She was hanging out and playing darts with my roommate and I while being surrounded by half naked women, and having a lot of fun. Now, I have always wanted to say what I'm about to write. After enough Tanq and tonics and Guinnesses we ended up back at my place.......

A First Date?

What do you know? She was faster than me with one friggin leg! We were cutting it close for the movie because Stacey ran late. We had to sit in the first row in this massive theater. I think my eyes are still messed up to this day because of that stupid theater. Midway through she took her foot cast off and draped her beautiful leg over me. Needless to say, it was very difficult to pay attention to the movie. It was a good thing I had already seen it. The movie ended and I tried to keep up with her as we went to the car but her sexy legs are very long and I was very fat. In the car, I heard her entire life story in about thirty minutes. This woman would not shut up- which was fine by me because all I could do was stare at her. She smelled so good too. I never wanted to leave the car. When we pulled up to my place, she apologized to me for talking so much. She said that she was nervous. I didn't know why. It was like beauty and the beast. When I think about it that way, she probably thought I was going to eat her! The night had been perfect up until the point I blurted out, "So, you want to come in for a nightcap?" What the hell was I thinking! It wasn't 1940 and all I had to drink was soy milk and Jaegermeister. A NIGHTCAP! She probably thought that The Blob was going to slip her a roofie! She gracefully declined. Now all I had to do was try and trick her into going on a real date. God, she is beautiful.

The Jacket of Shame

Another inspiring day at the office: Eric came up to me and said that I was required to wear a jacket when I'm wearing California Fitness Center attire. I tried to explain to Eric that it was summer time. Summers in Ohio are no better than the winters-except with heat. It was ninety- eight degrees out with 100% humidity. He said the boss, Greg, told him that while wearing his company's stuff I had to wear a jacket to cover up my gut. I felt like a sledge hammer was just swung into the enormous tub of lard that was apparently my stomach. It is one thing to make fun of yourself, but to basically be told you are ten pounds of crap in a five pound bag is entirely different. As I was slinking over to go get the car cover that was supposed to be my jacket, I overheard Stacey mention that she was going to see Spider Man 2 all by herself that night. In that moment, I barreled over to her table. It was a good thing no old people or children were in the way because I would have squashed them like Godzilla does the Japanese. As I was so graceful, I practically destroyed the poster of me that every day was beginning to look more and more like a billboard. I blurted out, "I'll go with you". Stacey looked up at me and grinned. Then she replied, "Excuse me?" and I stammered, "I-I-I I'll go with you." She smiled and said, "Okay, pick me up at seven." Of course I still didn't have a car in Ohio yet, so the world's first Biggest Loser had to explain that she had to pick him up at seven instead. Somehow we still had a date or whatever it was. I went to go get my jacket of shame but I walked a little bit taller going to get it and then I went to exercise hoping I could get the last seventy pounds off before my first evening with Stacey. I figured if anything, she still had a cast on- at least she wouldn't be able to get away......

My 21st Birthday and The Only Moment Worth Remembering

The worlds collided but with neither a whimper nor a BANG! Stacey could not go to the KISS concert because she had her daughter that night. However, the night before- my 21st birthday- she was free and apparently, so was the rest of the gym. So I celebrated my birthday with my pseudo girlfriend and about two dozen other people. Among the debauchery that was this birthday was a single moment with Stacey that would resonate for a very long time. Between shots that I willingly and unwillingly took, I stumbled over to the jukebox to put some songs on. My alcohol fueled haze cleared immediately when I saw Stacey picking out songs. I introduced Stacey to The White Stripes and in that instant I was sure she wanted me to kiss her. I know I certainly wanted to but under the circumstances I could not. The night got weird when we had to track down "All Talk" Bennet, the guy who was supposed to be covering the tab. He had split and gone to a strip club. One of the other guys tracked him down and he paid over the phone. Stacey, Kate (my girlfriend?), Randi (another personal trainer from the club), and I were on the way to get my very first lap dance. I'm in a car with what seems to be my girlfriend and what I'm hoping is my future girlfriend on my way to a strip club! This could have been a recipe for disaster but Kate forgot her ID and we couldn't go. I still don't know how she was getting drinks at the bar. The next morning sucked. Alcohol is not good for weight loss. I must have gained ten pounds back. Oh, the day when I would be able to see my toes again.... Two days later my new life seemed like it would actually begin. Kate was going home and I had a date with Stacey that very night. At least, it was a date in my mind...........

Even Fat Dudes Can Have Lady Troubles.

Just another day at work: the one legged beauty and personal trainer, Stacey, flits in and sits across from me. I would have been able to see her if it weren't for the ginormous poster of Jabba the Hut and his goals on her table. The fat man decoration on her desk must have really turned her on. I guess it was for the best. I would have never gotten any work done. Meanwhile, Stacey seemed to think I was a lazy immature idiot. In retrospect, I heard the terms immature, lazy, and idiot a lot between being a teenager until about the age of twenty three. I had a girlfriend in California and we had been having troubles prior to me moving to Ohio. We had gotten back together for the week before I left Cali with the understanding that when I went to to Ohio I was going to sow my wild oats. I actually told her, "sow my wild oats". I had stayed in contact with her since I had moved, then I got a call from her the week before my birthday. She was coming out to visit me in the barren wasteland of Ohio. I did have a small predicament, as that very morning I had asked Stacey to go to the KISS/Poison concert with me on July 13, the day after my birthday. She said she would have to check her schedule. She may have thought I was an idiot but she also flirted with me a lot. I think she was either blind or a chubby chaser. Who would have thunk it? A guy who made the lady in Who's Eating Gilbert Grape look slender would have women troubles? Then again, I was an immature idiot. Very quickly, I would have to figure something out, before my old life and my new life collided into an explosion of mass proportions.

Phil Collins, Whippets, and Weed

A roommate named Andrew who went by several monikers (Fat Boy, Don Fatz, Bagelniska, and a self-proclaimed "cheap Jew") seemed to be where my so called life was to begin. He was neither fat nor a Don, but he was most certainly cheap. More about that later. My first introduction to the boys club consisted of doing my first and only whippet, which felt like I was falling into a portal from The Twilight Zone. Those thirty seconds I'm pretty sure that I heard Rod Serling's voice introducing a long lost episode: The Fat Man Who Fell to Earth; See If He Bounces. Then, Don Fatz and our neighbor/co-worker Eric segued to weed. I refrained because I was terrified of the munchies. It had been a month and I had lost about fifteen pounds. In a flash the vocal stylings of Phil Collins flooded the room and we all karaoked Sussudio until they passed out. WOW! What a big first night. For all the new little things happening none of them prepared me for what was about to happen.

The Image That Still Haunts My Dreams!

I let a picture of me be taken, against my better judgment, at work. Later that day, I'm sitting around in the sales area when a giant poster board with my swollen face and rotund mid section on it appears with my goals on it. Now when I say "appears", I mean it was the first friggin' thing anybody saw before going to exercise. EVERYBODY HAD TO SEE THE NEW FACE AND BELLY OF CALIFORNIA FITNESS! According to this display of multiple chins, in six months I would be 190lbs and the entire gym will have witnessed my miraculous transformation from overgrown roly poly to svelte fitness professional. This poster filled with what seemed like insurmountable goals was news to everyone-including ME. It had been a month since leaving the sanctuary that is California and I had lost 10 pounds; at least that is what the scale said. It is easy to lose weight when your roommate is a health nut who won't even eat red meat or black pepper because apparently it sits in your colon and rots. Thank you Uncle Ed! I will be moving out by the end of the week and hopefully beginning some resemblance of a life.................

The Beginning of Whatever This Was

My first month in Ohio I lived with my uncle Ed sleeping in his two bedroom apartment sleeping on a dingy mattress that belonged to god knows who with only a blanket and a sweater to keep me warm. My uncle wakes me every morning at six am to go exercise. For a kid who had been sleeping until one pm everyday, it was a hell of an adjustment. We would go to Starbucks for tea, not coffee and then to the gym by seven. I felt like a zombie and terrified that I made a mistake. Ohio was awful- no sun, cold and rainy. Not that I'd been to the beach in over a year since realizing I had a slight weight problem..... I kept telling myself that something had to change or I would lead a wasted life. The first day in the gym was horrible. It felt like my heart was going to explode. Ed didn't even want me to start with weights- he insisted that I do cardio. I don't think I had done anything cardiovascular since high school. To make matters worse, all of Ed's workout shirts had the sleeves cut off all the way done the side. I looked like the world's fattest Roman warrior and there were mirrors everywhere. It was the first time I felt fat, not a little overweight but friggin' FAT. While I was trying to to sculpt my invisible abs, I noticed a beautiful woman on the rowing machine and she was looking at me. I knew I was fat, but I was still a guy. She obviously wanted me were my immediate thoughts. My next thoughts were not of my insecurities but of why was she on the rowing machine when she had a full leg cast. What type of weirdo rows with a leg cast on? It was time to leave and get ready for my first day of work at the gym. I had been told that if I could sell gym memberships I could make a lot of money. So, that would be easy enough because when the "fat guy" tells you you need to exercise, it is easy to believe how important exercise is because it has obviously worked for him! I only remember one thing about my first day of orientation: walking in to the office and it was some one else's first day as well. Her name was Stacey and she was the beautiful woman rowing with one leg. It was good to finally say "Ohio's not that bad".

The Day I Began to Take Control of My Life

I spent the first twenty years of my life in beautiful sunny San Diego. When I was a teenager I thought I knew everything, just ask my parents. At seventeen I graduated high school and within a few days of turing eighteen I moved out because "I can do it on my own". In retrospect I was an idiot. By twenty years of age after plenty of partying and bad decisions later I had lost my way. I was sleeping in my car and going to my part time job at a video store. I ended up living with my grammie until I could save up enough to get my own place. I did not save anything it apparently went to food and booze. Within the two years since I left home I had gone from 185lbs to 285lbs. My uncle Ed who I had not seen in ten years showed up for a funeral and we started talking. Two weeks later I left my fat and unhappy life behind. I said goodbye to my family and packed my suitcase with nothing but clothing and movies (my one true passion) and hopped on a plane to freezing Columbus, Ohio to help my uncle run a gym in Columbus. I call that day May 28th 2004 the day I began to take control of my life. With no money and one hundred pounds over weight I was going to break the monotonous cycle my life had become and find a purpose. Boy, did I ever.